Getting To Know Me

One rumor is that I am prignickitie

And that is just no’ true

I know I was caught wi’ ginger beer

But I also like Irn Bru

Une autre rumeur is that I come frae France

Un escargot de Languedoc

Mais naw, I’m a Paisley Buddy

And I was born under the West End clock

My fame means I’m asked lots o’ questions

Like ‘what do you dae maist o’ the day?’

Funnily enough, it’s spent brushing my teeth

So wid you if you had 14k

I eat berries, lettuce and maistly anything else

In fact, I’m a bit o’ a foodie nutter

But you’ll get that there’s one food I dinnae like

Aye, you’ve guessed it… it’s garlic butter

I’m normally a wee bit grumpy

And you might think there is no need

But let me ask you to ponder this

Would you like to wear yer hoose oan yer heid?

Did you know that my slime is an antioxidant?

A free radical that keeps your skin clean

But you’d be daft if you thought that’s why I make it

Naw, it’s to let me know where I’ve been

It was said I was decomposing

But that was a doonricht fib

Unwriting the music for Stayin Alive

I couldnae, and I dout neither could Barry Gibb

It was suggested I was oot looking for a mate

But that is definitely no’ right

Why would I need a’body else?

When I’m a happy hermaphrodite

Davie knew aboot the snails in his yard

And it was he who laid beer and caffeine traps

I personally find booze disgusting

But I’m partial to Starbucks fraps

You simply ken me as Paisley

But that doesn’t say what I am

I’m actually a cornu aspersum

And that’s Latin for an upside-doon pram

END O’ CHUNK FOUR

So, just before we hit the meat o’ the case

Aye, the part that might get some folk snoozing

Let me just say the ‘pram thing’ was a joke

I just found it mildly amusing

And so noo we go on to the legal stuff

The bit that really brought me my fame

I’ll warn you it’s a wee bitty technical

But, it’s the piece that brought Atkin acclaim