The The Café and the Catastrophe

This is a tale that is totally true

‘Wait!’ you’ll say – ‘That’s a misnomer’

But please keep yer expectations in check

I’m a snail, no’ Shakespeare or Homer

May caught a tram frae the Barras       

She alighted at Paisley Cross

Then a ten-minute walk to the Wellmeadow caff

Where Frankie Minghella was the boss

The tram continued up past Minghella’s place

But May fancied a stretch o’ her legs              

And for the wee walk up tae the West End

She had put on her shoes wi’ the segs

The Gothic wonder that is Coats Memorial

Sits just past the museum on the bend

But May wisnae thinking sightseeing

She was thinking she had nae money to spend

May’s pal wisnae the maist punctual

So May grabbed a table and waited

Ten minutes later, in rushed her friend

Excited to tell who she had just dated

Her chum was a gem, she knew May was skint

And she insisted it was her treat

The smell o’ hot peas made May think twice

But she finally plumped for a sweet

Her pal ordered a Pear and Ice

While May went for a Scotsman Float

They’re baith basically ginger beer seas

Hauf-submerging an ice cream boat

Minghella poured oot some ginger

And I got a whiff o’ hot peas

I might have nae lugs and my eens are puir

But I can smell the burds in the trees

I popped ma heid oot the bottle

Thinking I might go for a wee crawl

Then there was a splash, May was up in a flash

Spilling Float doon her braw Paisley Shawl

There was a lot o’ greeting and screaming

You would have thought I had the pox

Next thing May is aff tae her doctor

Apparently wi’ nervous shocks

END O’ CHUNK ONE

So, those are the facts o’ the story

And I’m sure you will feel sorry for May

But was there no’ an even bigger victim?

Who? Me… well, that’s what I would say

Anywae, the next bit is my favourite

It allows me to reminisce

And if I wisnae to tell you my back story

Well, that would surely be remiss