THE HAIL THING

This is a tale that is totally true

‘Wait!’ you’ll say – ‘That’s a misnomer’

But please keep yer expectations in check

I’m a snail, no’ Shakespeare or Homer

May caught a tram frae the Barras       

She alighted at Paisley Cross

Then a ten-minute walk to the Wellmeadow caff

Where Frankie Minghella was the boss

The tram continued up past Minghella’s place

But May fancied a stretch o’ her legs              

And for the wee walk up tae the West End

She had put on her shoes wi’ the segs

The Gothic wonder that is Coats Memorial

Sits just past the museum on the bend

But May wisnae thinking sightseeing

She was thinking she had nae money to spend

May’s pal wisnae the maist punctual

So May grabbed a table and waited

Ten minutes later, in rushed her friend

Excited to tell who she had just dated

Her chum was a gem, she knew May was skint

And she insisted it was her treat

The smell o’ hot peas made May think twice

But she finally plumped for a sweet

Her pal ordered a Pear and Ice

While May went for a Scotsman Float

They’re baith basically ginger beer seas

Hauf-submerging an ice cream boat

Minghella poured oot some ginger

And I got a whiff o’ hot peas

I might have nae lugs and my eens are puir

But I can smell the burds in the trees

I popped ma heid oot the bottle

Thinking I might go for a wee crawl

Then there was a splash, and May was up in a flash

Spilling Float doon her braw Paisley Shawl

There was a lot o’ greeting and screaming

You would have thought I had the pox

Next thing May is aff tae her doctor

Apparently wi’ nervous shocks

END O’ CHUNK ONE

So, those are the facts o’ the story

And I’m sure you will feel sorry for May

But was there no’ an even bigger victim?

Who? Me… well, that’s what I would say

Anywae, the next bit is my favorite

It allows me to reminisce

And if I wisnae to tell you my back story

Well, that would surely be remiss

One day in the spring o’ twenty-eight

Dad told us he had a surprise

He said we were moving doon the toun

Afore you know it, we’re saying oor goodbyes

The next day efter topping up oor slime

We started the hazardous flit

And even wi’ a short cut through Underwood Lane

It was harder than I care to admit

Oor new hoose in Glen Lane was ‘the business’

It had a cracking view o’ the toun

And its bus stops on every surrounding street

Made it brilliant for getting aroun

We backed on to the Fountain Gairdens

                                         Wi’ its statue o’ our national bard                                        

And wi’ cherubs, dolphins and herons

That’s what I call a backyard

Each morn to the Gairdens fountain I’d go

For my daily swim and shower

Riding a magnificent walrus

It was almost my favorite hour

Dolphins in the center o’ Paisley!

You must be thinking I’ve lost the plot

But when I tell you the creatures were made o’ stane

You’re noo wondering who is the clot

The first night as we sat in the kitchen

A’ oor noses started itching and sniffing

It was like lemons, ginger and cream of tartar

We couldnae believe what we were whiffing

My faither said he was nipping next door

To see what he could spot

And though I said I would go wi’ him

‘It’s just too dangerous,’ was his thought

Dad put on his climbing gear

Stuck a torch on the front o’ his shell

An hour later, he’s back with some ginger

He’d located the source o’ the smell

You were wondering about my favorite hour

And it’s that time we’re now at

Oor evening trip to auld Davie’s factory

To quaff ginger wi’ Ginger, his ginger cat

END O’ CHUNK TWO

So, that brought back some fond memories

Some o’ the best times o’ my life

And the only thing I can compare it tae

Is the first time I met my future wife

But yon’s a different story

And this story needs to go on

To the events leading up to the cases

And the law changes they would spawn

Though May was still wed to Henry Senior

They hudnae bided together for awhile

But as tough as it was for her and H Junior

She still approached each day wi’ a smile

One day, three weeks after the fateful event

When May was thought to be getting better

She was rushed into the GRI

Wi’ an ambulance dispatched to get her

Everybody thought May had just had a boak

And there was no mention o’ ‘gastroenteritis’

I personally had never heard o’ that term

But then I’m no’ a doctor or a scientist

As she lay inside the hospital

A nurse told May she would have a great claim

That she shouldnae be poisoned wi’ a drink

And getting justice should be her aim

May hired Walter G Leechman

A counsel kent as a feisty foe

And despite two lost cases wi’ ginger drowned mice

For the third time, he was having a go

As May was a simple pauper

With less than five pounds to her name

The guid Leechman didnae charge her a fee

It’s called ‘pro bono’ in the legal game

Davie Stevenson was kent to have a few bob

He part owned his beloved Saint Mirren

And a’body who owns a fitba’ club

Is known to have money to burn

Of course, Davie was really suspicious

But he couldnae outright accuse

Even efter discovering May’s ice cream overfondness

Had been the cause o’ some previous spews

Walt G was a shrewd Glaswegian

And to double his chances o’ a win

He summoned baith Davie and Minghella to court

Much to the latter’s fear and chagrin

Minghella was named on the papers

Because he had sold the ginger beer

But it was soon decided it couldnae be his fault

As he wisnae the Brahan Seer

END O’ CHUNK THREE

So, noo you are acquainted wi’ the characters

You will agree they are a diverse bunch

I’m sure you’ve already got yer favorite

It being ‘me’ is probably my hunch

And that has just made me think

It’s been five minutes since you heard aboot me

But don’t worry, the next bit isnae boring

Naw, yer no’ getting my family tree

One rumor is that I am prignickitie

And that is just no’ true

I know I was caught wi’ ginger beer

But I also like Irn Bru

Une autre rumeur is that I come frae France

Un escargot de Languedoc

Mais naw, I’m a Paisley Buddy

And I was born under the West End clock

My fame means I’m asked lots o’ questions

Like ‘what do you dae maist o’ the day?’

Funnily enough, it’s spent brushing my teeth

So wid you if you had 14k

I eat berries, lettuce and maistly anything else

In fact, I’m a bit o’ a foodie nutter

But you’ll get that there’s one food I dinnae like

Aye, you’ve guessed it… it’s garlic butter

I’m normally a wee bit grumpy

And you might think there is no need

But let me ask you to ponder this

Would you like to wear yer hoose oan yer heid?

Did you know that my slime is an antioxidant?

A free radical that keeps your skin clean

But you’d be daft if you thought that’s why I make it

Naw, it’s to let me know where I’ve been

It was said I was decomposing

But that was a doonricht fib

Unwriting the music for Stayin Alive

I couldnae, and I dout neither could Barry Gibb

It was suggested I was oot looking for a mate

But that is definitely no’ right

Why would I need a’body else?

When I’m a happy hermaphrodite

Davie knew aboot the snails in his yard

And it was he who laid beer and caffeine traps

I personally find booze disgusting

But I’m partial to Starbucks fraps

You simply ken me as Paisley

But that doesn’t say what I am

I’m actually a cornu aspersum

And that’s Latin for an upside-doon pram

END O’ CHUNK FOUR

So, just before we hit the meat o’ the case

Aye, the part that might get some folk snoozing

Let me just say the ‘pram thing’ was a joke

I just found it mildly amusing

And so noo we go on to the legal stuff

The bit that really brought me my fame

I’ll warn you it’s a wee bitty technical

But, it’s the piece that brought Atkin acclaim

In the Court o’ Session Outer House

May won the first crossing o’ swords

But efter Davie won at the Inner House

May appealed to the House o’ Lords

The case made its way doon to London

And the highest court in the lands

Five judges in the Palace o’ Westminster

Who would hold May’s fate in their hands

Because May hudnae purchased the float

The defense said she had no remedy in law

But Lord Atkin wisnae for buying either

And he vowed to fix this legal flaw

Deliberations called me a foreign body

And even ‘deleterious matter’

But I’m as Scottish as haggis and wouldnae harm a fly

Though I might stop it for a wee natter

Lord A argued if you injure yer neighbor

By what should reasonably be foreseen

You should be liable under the civil law

And suffer the penalties that would mean

Lords Tomlin and Buckmaster were dissenters

                                          Thereby showing they wurnae too bright                                       And by blindly following the existing law

They took a path that wisnae right

I rightly got all the fame frae the case

But it’s really to James Atkin we all owe

For it was he who persuaded Lord Macmillan

That to the final judge it should go

Auld Thankerton liked doing his knitting

Aye, even when sitting in court

But he still cited common sense and justice

As he purled Atkin and Mac his support

The three wise lords had won the vote

To state a maker owes a duty o’ reasonable care

That didnae just mean that I needed to be clean

It meant that I shouldnae have been there

Noo, a tort’s no’ a baby tortilla

                     But a wrong causing loss, suffering or harm                     

And through Davie’s negligent actions

He would pay for May’s injuries and alarm

END O’ CHUNK FIVE

So, the Lords had passed their judgment

By a margin o’ three against two

And even though it was that close

It was still a seismic legal breakthrough

It also proved to be the end o’ the legals

Even if it wasn’t meant to be that way

But you’ll see that there’s one character short

As we enter the last act o’ the play

Though May won her case in the House o’ Lords

That didnae prove the event occurred

Davie even claimed the bottle wisnae his

And that the whole thing was absurd

The case then went back to the Scottish court

Where Davie hoped to put things straight

But sadly, he died afore it got there

And his executors settled oot o’ his estate

It was never divulged how much was paid

Whether in hundreds, it was two or five

But there’s one thing that is kent for sure

I’m the maist expensive snail to ever be alive

The café struggled wi’ the infamy o’ the case

Its doors shut forever in thirty-one

And so, while May was still in the middle o’ her fight

Frankie’s new Anchor Mill joab had just begun

Puir May continued to have a tough existence

And long life wisnae to be her fate

But she continued to live for her family

Till her clogs popped in fifty-eight

Well, here’s a fact that will astound you

A mollusk withoot a shell is actually a slug

So when weans cry ‘gies a slug o’ yer ginger’

We wee snails get ever so slightly smug

Oh, and for those that had May and I acquainted

And o’ us blending up a little swick

A thieving bone in an invertebrate?

Naebody could make that stick

I am thinking noo, when you talk or think snails

You will notice I didnae say ‘eat’

May’s triumph will be at the front o’ yer thoughts

And the infliction o’ her great legal defeat

This has been a long and complex story

And so a question as it nears its end

‘THE GASTROPOD THAT CHANGED THE LAW’

Has a better headline ever been penned?

And that means every time you make a purchase

Whether it’s deid, fake, worn, broken or just stale

Remember you have rights, my friend

Thanks to me… the ‘Paisley Snail’

THE END